Sometimes Weather Makes Me Remember...

The weather has been really warm lately, especially for this area. Usually it is sill in the 30s or 40s, but it has been anywhere from 85 to 65 for the past weeks, which is making me remember when I first got pregnant. It was so warm then. The musty smell of humidity, thick wind, open windows, being extremely thirsty--all of these are bringing the morning sickness to the forefront of my mind, and the strange, electric stillness that encircled me when I made the discovery.

I feel selfish to say this now, but I think that many people feel this way when they discover they are unexpectedly pregnant: I felt numb, like a little part of myself had died. In a way, it did. I say that in the most matter-of-fact way possible. Dreams that I had were suddenly knocked off-kilter, but what does it matter? Plans and control are only an illusion, anyways. I thought I would be dancing intensively after graduation and finding every opportunity to expand my dance resume. I thought I would be performing in the Senior Solo concert in May and receiving my BFA upon graduation. I thought I would be working at my student job until May. Now, I knew that none of this was possible or likely.

It was a strange reality to know that a little being was growing inside of me. This little being had no one to help or protect it except me, and that was a responsibility that I didn't have in my plans. I tried to be excited, and to everyone else, I put on a grand show, but in reality I was in a great deal of shock. Also, I didn't want to allow myself to be too excited until I had passed the first trimester. My mother so graciously cautioned me not to get too excited,. because she had miscarried her first. A murky sense of surreality surrounded me for weeks. I felt a deep sense that I had lost control.

When I saw Bruce on an ultrasound at 19.5 weeks, he was mine. My hesitancy changed to determination. Even though, deep down, I was not yet excited about the baby, I was determined to do everything in my power to care for him, to love him. He was in there, bouncing off the sides of my uterus, kicking his tiny little legs, and when he fell asleep, he clasped his hands together in front of his face. He refused to wake up even to the most insistent prodding. I saw his personality, and I was in awe at it's strength and the strength of his life, which was so tiny, not even a pound.

At school I felt an incredible separation between myself and other students. Suddenly, I was different, not exactly one of them. I felt ashamed. I couldn't tell what others thought about my pregnancy. I wondered if it was viewed as a lack of control, if I was viewed as weak for letting something come between my plans for my future. I put on a good face. I spoke well of my pregnancy, and my choice, which to me was never an option. I knew I would keep the little one, despite my hesitancy and frustration and change in plans. Like I said before, control is only an illusion.

He is strong now. He pushes against my ribs, and my bladder, and turns and moves incessantly. I will not complain. I love him, and I want to hold him. He is mine, and soon he will be his own person. I am not afraid, and I have made my choice to love him. Now, he comes before my desires and plans.

The beautiful Saturday after a not-so-Eventful Morning

This morning at 3:30 I was awakened by the worst cramps/contractions in my life. Excited, I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep, fully expecting to be wakened a few hours later by "the worst pain of my life." Alas, no. I did manage to wake up Nathan and tell him I was having bad contractions (I should have kept my mouth shut), which I told myself I would not do just in case it wasn't the real thing.

Aannndd...it wasn't. They are gone now, for the most part and I am so frustrated. I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat. My due date has not even arrived. But waiting for this baby to emerge is like having a brand new mac/camera/$5,000 store credit gift card strapped to your back for 9 months and you aren't allowed to look or touch until some vague date. Although having a baby is probably worse than that. Your body gains weight. You crave strange things. Your digestive system goes on the fritz. And, by the last few months, random pains and aches are so common that at the end of the day, you cry from exhaustion over the whole thing. The catch is that this is an exciting experience.

I just want to hold him in my arms. I am excited to breastfeed and o change his diapers.

Oh, the naivety. I know, I know. But, he is my son. I want to meet him so badly. I will in due time.

To keep myself busy, Nathan and I are taking full advantage of this lovely weather and having our friends Grant and Beth over. They have an almost 13 month old, and another little one on the way due in July! We are going to make a BBQ. Here is the menu:

• BBQ chicken (pre-pregnancy I was a vegetarian, but since being pregnant I regularly crave meat. After Bruce is born I will probably revert back to vegetarianism).
• Fruit salad: cantaloupe, strawberries, blueberries, and maybe banana, with whipped topping!
  
• Baked beans. I have never made these before, so it should be an experiment.
• Perhaps a fresh vegetable. Maybe.
• Potato salad--two kinds. Grant and Beth are each making a version, so we will have yummy options.
• Tang, juice, water and milk to drink.

Then, Sunday is Easter Sunday and we will be going to Nathan's parents for Easter dinner after church.

Now I just need to start planning some things for Monday.

My pregnancy ticker to remind Bruce that his due date is fast approaching:

The Month Has Arrived

April marks the birth month of Bruce, the name that Nathan and I decided to name the baby. It is a pretty old-fashioned name and we get curious looks when asked what his name will be. We picked the name because we wanted to memorialize Nathan's brother, who passed away when he was 16. Bruce was a nickname of his that his wrestling teammates called him.

Today was so warm for April! I think it reached 84 degrees, and of course with humidity. That put me in the mood for a good ice cream cone, so my sisters and I went to Seaward's. I got a cone with one scoop of black raspberry and one scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough. This was after my 38 week pre-natal appointment, in which I discovered that I have lost three pounds since my peak of 155, my blood pressure is still amazing, I no longer have sugar in my urine, and the baby is still dropped, head down, and stubbornly refusing to come out! My OB and I discussed my due date. They have been going with the due date of the 14th, which was my original due date, although after a dating ultrasound they changed it to the 12th (I know, only 2 days...), but somehow it got recopied into my chart as the 14th and I just haven't bothered to say anything since it is such a small thing.

To make a long story short, I count the 12th as my due date, but the office is going by the 14th.

Anyways, my last scheduled appointment was for the 9th. Today my OB suggested that I make one for the 16th, just in case I go past my due date. She is going on vacation on the 19th, and said that if testing shows my cervix is ready, that she would allow me to be induced on the 16th before she leaves for vacation so that she can deliver. Otherwise, the plan is to allow the baby to stay in there, but to not go past the 21st, in which case my OB would not be there personally to deliver. I am really, really hoping to go into labor this week. I keep having really strong contractions that take my breath away...but so far, no luck.

Every time I am out with friends and family, I talk about baby things. I am probably driving them crazy. I told myself I would never be one of those obnoxious people who think that everyone else is as interested in every. baby detail as they are. On the other side, I realize that it is not that I think everyone else is as interested as I am, only that the topic consumes me entirely. Giving birth and being a mother will be one of the most exciting things I will or have ever done.

On another note, I need a digital camera so I can "illustrate" my blog. I think I would find that more interesting to read!

And a last thought that I had today: I think it's a little perverse to tell a story or joke to someone that you know will not find it amusing, just because you really want to say what you want to say. I know that I am occasionally guilty of this and, upon reflection, I am ashamed. Talk about being a space cadet.

Oh, things.

Almost two weeks ago, Khristina and I visited the kimono exhibit. We weren't allowed to take pictures of the actual exhibit, so luckily they had three kimonos for on sale in the gift shop that we took pictures of. I am 36 weeks and 4 days pregnant in this picture. I think that I look like Tweedledee or Tweedledum with my two scrawny legs poking out from under my great, round belly.

Today I received in the mail an advertisement from Bath Fitter, telling me to get "The Bathroom That You Deserve." Until today, I didn't know that having a certain type of bathroom was based on merit. Is there something I don't know about? Do I save starving children every time I flush? Is my hairdryer a secret agent, converting my kilowatt usage into renewable energy? Very interesting.

There are three things I would like to do, I have decided. I will not do all three, at least not in the near future. I will start with one and save the rest for my second and third lives.

1) Go to grad school for dance and teach in a university
2) Go to culinary school and be a sexy chef
3) Go to massage therapy school

All three of these things I would love. Dance is a very delicious part of me. It fulfills me and makes me younger. Because of dance, I love the world more and appreciate the weaknesses and strengths of myself as well as others.

I love to cook, and to cook with finesse. Making a delicious meal that is classy and elegant (I like simplicity) is one my talents, I will admit, and I would love to be a chef at a high class restaurant. This may be best-suited for my later life, when I am older and more emboldened. Otherwise the pace of a kitchen may wear me out too quickly.

Massage therapy--I have been told by many people that I have a healing touch, and after working on someone (as a nonprofessional), I feel fulfilled. Plus, I love to learn about the body and I think that by doing massage therapy, I would learn a whole lot on a variety of levels.

Now, for the baby info: I am now 38 weeks along and he dropped 3 weeks ago. The doctor said he may come at any point, and I am well ready for him. I have been having regular contractions for over 24 hours, but so far they are painless, albeit very strong. Also, I think he has dropped once more since my pelvis feels very, very heavy.

Lastly, I will get my pre-baby body back. I know, I know. I understand that my body will not be the "same," but from a holistic perspective, the body makes great changes with each major life experience, not just childbirth. My body will find a new normal, and it will be fit, active and healthy. To all the doubters: just you wait.

Making Rock Soup

My last semester was the most difficult semester I have ever had, even more so than the two semesters when I was recovering from a horrible case of mono. For starters, I was extremely tired all the time. Not just a little, either. A personality trait that I pride myself on is persistence, but between the pregnancy hormones and the actual process of my body creating a viable atmosphere for the baby to grow, I was so exhausted.

Which is why I decided that I would not audition to be in any other student works than the graduate thesis that I was already cast in. Auditions are mandatory for dance majors. At the audition, instead of participating, I sat on the side to support my fellow students. Now, to preface, I had had a full day of classes and work starting at 9:30 after getting to campus at 8, since my husband and I carpooled, and not ending till 5, at which point I had to wait around on campus and eat the dinner I had packed myself, just to be present for this audition. And I was exhausted, and nauseous. I think I was so tired all semester that most evenings I was on the verge of tears just from fatigue.

While I was sitting watching the audition, another student left the floor and came to sit next to me. "I don't have time for this, either," she said. Inwardly I thought, "Noooooo! That's not why i am sitting out." It would seem my sitting on the side was viewed somehow as a form of protest, which was not intended at all. To make matters worse, the Dean came over to me and admonished me for having an attitude problem.

Well, you can't please everyone. But, taking care of my unborn child is way more important than trying to make sure each person views my personal choices in a positive light. I was pretty angry at the woman for assuming I was having an attitude after I made the effort to be there despite feeling so ill and tired, with 7 more months to go. The nice part of having someone else rely on you so heavily is that you just stop caring what others think when you have to make decisions that don't "come across" the right way.

How the Egg Cracked

Nathan and I married in June of 2008. We were both 21, incredibly young by today's Western standards. We dated through our last two years of high school and into college. Shortly after I turned 20, Nathan asked me to marry him by playing out a scene from The Hobbit. in which Bilbo must guess the answer to a series of riddles--or do I have it wrong? Perhaps Golem was the one who was supposed to answer the riddles. I have not read The Hobbit myself, but Nathan is an avid Tolkein fan. He proposed to me on a dark wintery night in the middle of the woods, meant to look like a cave to replicate the setting of the scene in the book.

So we married in June. Nathan had already completed a double major in math and physics, and I was working towards a BFA in dance. Originally a nursing student, I switched to dance after a year and a half when I perpetually fainted at the sight of blood in my labs. I guess nursing was not meant to be.

Shortly after our one year anniversary, which we spent at a beautiful bed and breakfast in the Finger Lakes region, I came down with a horrible case of strep. Being on birth control, I knew that extra precautions had to be taken while on antibiotics. I think that nature had other plans.

Nathan and I traveled to the Adirondacks to visit his parents while they were on vacation on August 9, 10, and 11. Once there, I noticed that my extreme fatigue and irritability that I had experienced during the week was not going away with extra rest. I had just completed a three week internship with the Limon Dance Company and was exhausted. Furthermore, every morning I was so sick to my stomach that I found myself dry heaving when I took my morning vitamin. On the morning of the 11th, I asked Nathan to go to the store to get me a pregnancy test. He insisted that I was not pregnant, but I insisted right back for the test. Sure enough, it was positive.

This rocked my world. With a baby due in April, I knew that I needed to complete my degree a semester early. In this case, I would not be able to get all of the credits I needed for the BFA, so I reverted to a BS in dance with a minor in creative writing.

That's the beginning of this story.